Teaching Without Controlling
This post is part of a 4-part series on Parenting Adult Children with Grace and Trust. Over the series, we’ll explore how to release them to God’s care, guide without controlling, model godly living, and love unconditionally while praying faithfully.
If your church is looking to equip parents for this unique and often challenging season, the Biblical Living Center offers a 1-day seminar designed to encourage and strengthen families through biblical teaching and practical tools. Contact us to learn more about bringing this workshop to your community!
Ever tried to offer “just a little advice” to your adult child—only to be met with silence, sarcasm, or worse, slammed doors (literal or emotional)? You meant to guide, but it felt to them like control.
Welcome to the tightrope walk of parenting adult children.
In this second part of our series, we look at how to shift from authority to influence—from directing their steps to walking beside them in grace.
Speaking of Authority Shifts, A little personal anecdote and observation:
I’ve noticed something about many young adults who are just stepping out of adolescence and into adulthood. Maybe it’s just the people around me—or maybe it’s a broader cultural shift—but I can’t help but see some connection to what’s often called the “Failure to Launch” phenomenon.
Sure, there are teens who resist growing up. But I also think there are parents who—if they’re honest—prefer it that way. I won’t lie: I’m terrified of my teen eventually leaving home. I’ve already watched three of my adult children get their driver’s licenses and move out (under very different circumstances), and it was just as nerve-wracking then. The world can be a scary place, and I don’t want anything bad to happen to them.
That said, I come from a culture that valued independence. Turning 18 meant stepping into the world and learning to do life on your own. But I’ve noticed that some parents seem quite comfortable having their adult children stay home indefinitely. And sometimes, that comfort fosters a version of “failure to launch” where adult children are never required to take ownership of their decisions. They don’t have to be responsible—because mom or dad will handle it. They don’t need to make their own plans—because they’re just along for the ride.
Maybe this is something only I’ve observed, but I believe failing to mark the transition from adolescence to adulthood can lead to a host of unintended consequences. If this is something you’re wrestling with—and you still have teens at home—I highly recommend the book Skipping Adolescence by Brian Stegner. It’s full of practical tools to help guide your child toward adulthood, so that even though it may terrify you to release them into the world, you can do so knowing you’ve equipped them well.
God Gave You a Voice—Not a Veto
Scripture makes clear that parental authority is real—but not absolute. In Genesis 1:28, God gives humanity delegated authority—stewardship, not ownership. The same applies to our role as parents.
“Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.”
— Colossians 3:21
In other words, nagging, controlling, guilt-tripping, or rescuing too quickly may discourage more than help. Our job now is to offer invitation, not interrogation.
Even Jesus didn’t override people’s choices. When the rich young ruler walked away (Mark 10:17–22), Jesus let him go—grieved, but respectful. He didn’t force faith. He spoke truth, loved well, and allowed agency.
Are You a GPS Mom or a Backseat Driver Dad?
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Imagine your adult child on a road trip through life. You’re in the passenger seat.
If you’re a backseat driver, you bark out corrections:
“You missed the turn again. Why didn’t you listen?”
If you’re a GPS, you gently suggest:
“There’s a smoother route ahead. Want to hear it?”
And if they take a wrong turn? You don’t yell—you patiently wait for the next chance to reroute.
This is what Godly influence looks like. It’s not passive—it’s present. It’s not silent—it’s seasoned with grace. It’s not panicked—it’s prayerful.
“Choose life… loving the Lord your God, obeying His voice.”
— Deuteronomy 30:19–20
God doesn’t force obedience. He invites it. So should we.
The Danger of Control
Controlling behavior—whether it’s born of love, fear, or regret—can backfire. Studies show micromanagement in workplaces leads to burnout, rebellion, and loss of creativity. It’s no different in families.
Unhealthy control shows up as:
Micromanaging (Proverbs 18:13) – Constantly checking in, even when not asked.
Guilt-tripping (2 Corinthians 9:7) – “After all I’ve done for you…”
Conditional approval (Romans 15:7) – Withholding kindness until they comply.
Over-spiritualizing (Jeremiah 23:16) – “God told me you should…”
Rescuing (Galatians 6:5–7) – Preventing them from facing consequences.
Shaming (Ephesians 4:29) – “You’re just like your uncle…”
These behaviors may feel helpful—but they often communicate, “I don’t trust you or God.”
Godly Influence Instead
God calls us to a better way
—one that reflects His heart:
Sometimes, the most Christlike thing you can say is:
“Would it be okay if I shared a thought?”
Putting It into Practice
Let’s be real—this shift isn’t easy. So we practiced it.
Parents in the workshop role-played real scenarios:
A child dating someone outside the faith (2 Cor. 6:14)
A child drifting from church (Heb. 10:25)
A child making poor financial decisions (Prov. 27:12)
Instead of jumping in with judgment, they learned to speak with wisdom, invite dialogue, and trust God with the outcome.
(see more about our 1 day workshop below)
Key Takeaway: Influence, Don’t Override
You’re not powerless—you’re prayerful. You’re not voiceless—you’re wise.
Your adult children don’t need your control—they need your example.
“Let your light shine before others…”
— Matthew 5:16
A Simple Step Today:
Think of one area where you’re tempted to control your adult child.
Then ask:
“Have I invited? Or have I insisted?”
Take a moment to pray and ask God for wisdom to lead with humility and trust. Then….Invite.
📚 This is Part 2 of our 4-part series on Parenting Adult Children with Grace and Trust.
Want to bring this as a 1-day seminar to your church or community?
The Biblical Living Center offers biblically rich and practical workshops to equip parents in every season. Contact us today to learn more.